(A struggle ensues.)   With nod to Jon Stewart (see his Famous Pictures of Naked People), here’s a brief selection of Word’s “suggested substitutions”  to suspect words in my new novel, which I swear to god will be finished this year.  

Original                                                           Microsoft Word Improvement

CARROLLIAN                                         CAROLINA, CARROLL  IAN

UNCELEBRATION                        ACCELERATION

PUCKISH                                                           PECKISH

CRUMPACKERS                                  CRUMP ACKERS

KRONKHEIT                                              CONCEIT, CRUNCHIEST, CRUNCHIER

MEDEVACED                                           MEDICATED, MEDI ACED, BEDEVILED

BABA YAGA                                                BABA YOGA, BABA YOGI

JOHN DOS PASSOS                        JOHN DOS PESOS, JOHN DOS LASSOS

GOOGLING                                                       GO OGLING, GOODLING, GOUGING, GOSLING

MAMMO                                                               MAMMA, MAMBO, MEMO, AMMO, MAMMY

GRABOW                                                             GABO, GABON, GRABBED, GABOR, GREBE, GARBED

HAS-BEENS                                                     HAS-BEANS,   HAS-BEES,   HAS-BENZ    

DICTABELTS                                                 DISABLERS  

DEUS                                                                                 DUES

TIPARILLOS                                                   TOMATILLOS

BOMBECK                                                               BUYBACK, BOMBAST, BLOWBACK, COMEBACK

GONNA                                                                         GONAD

TAUTOG                                                                     TAUTER, TUTOR, AUTO, TATTOO, TUTU

MOUSING                                                               MUSING, HOUSING, LOUSING, MUSSING

QANUN                                                                       QUANTUM, CANCUN

TA-DA                                                                           TA-DAB, TA-DAD, TA-DAP, TA-DO

PANTLOAD                                                     PLANELOAD

GODOT                                                                        GODBOUT, GOODY, GOO, GOOF

UNLURED                                                           UNCURED, UNLOOSED, UNLADED

UNCURTAINED                                   UNCONTAINED

MOJITOS                                                             MONITORS, BONITOS

MOQUECA                                                         MOONQUAKE, MOSQUES, TOQUES

HAPPY-SLAPPY                                  HAPPY-SLOPPY, HAPPY-SAPPY, HAPPY-SOAPY

WALKIES                                                           ALKIES, TALKIES, WALKERS

REDUX                                                                     REDUB, REDO, REDBUD, RADIO

GUILTING                                                       QUILTING, GULPING

SLICE-O-MATICS                              SLICE-O-METRICS, SLICE-O-MATES

ONG-ONG-ONG                                     ONE-ON-ONE

CROATOAN                                                 CROATIAN

UNCHASTENED                                  UNCHASTE NED

RUGGLES                                                         BUGLES, WRIGGLES, DRUGLESS

ABRUPTED                                                    ABDUCTED

RETITLED                                                        RATTLED

LIT-FIC                                                                  LIT-FIX, LIT-FIB

Greek police smash violent doughnut ring

THESSALONIKI, Greece — It took an undercover operation, but Greek police have blown a hole in a ring of alleged crooks who had cornered the doughnut market in a beach resort.

It started with complaints that two Bulgarian men and a former Greek wrestling champion were using violence to choke off the trade by other doughnut vendors on Paliouri beach in the Halkidiki peninsula near Thessaloniki.

So an undercover officer posed as a doughnut seller, police said Tuesday, and he was attacked, leading to the arrest of the three aggressive doughnut sellers.

As a result, they have been charged with blackmail and fraud. They also were charged with food safety violations after police found they had stashed their product in an abandoned hotel that was open to the elements and used by bathers as a toilet.  —Associated Press,  08.24.11, 08:37 AM EDT  

Butts waives hearing in Boob murder case

If this is a prank (the Centre Daily Times is  the paper of record of  State College, Pa.), I’m going to be really annoyed.     The Comments section is particularly riveting, with one heroic soul trying to convince the rest of us that some things just aren’t funny.

Man with dead weasel accused of assault

HOQUIAM, Wash. — Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington state.

The victim asked, “Why are you carrying a weasel?” Police said the attacker answered, “It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,” then punched him in the nose and fled.

The attacker was apparently looking for his girlfriend and had gone to her former boyfriend’s apartment Monday where the victim was a guest.

KXRO reports he left the carcass behind.

Police later found the 33-year-old Hoquiam man arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested him after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him.

A marten is a member of the weasel family.

Also:

Punch To Nose After Dead Weasel Question

Dead weasel at centre of alleged assault

Police: Assault suspect mistook marten for mink